So here we go again.....
I am so frustrated. I am not posting this for pity or to make everyone feel bad for me. I am posting this because I need to get it out and talk about it and write it down. I think it helps me heal. I found out on Feb. 9th that I was pregnant!!! Yay I was so excited but in such disbelief. When I found out I was only 3weeks 6days preggo....super early! I told Shelby because she lives in San Diego and I knew she would keep my secret (and I was about to burst!). Well I got really creative and told Tyson in a cute way, instead of just leaving the test on the bathroom counter for him to find. He was pleasantly surprised and excited. After I had known for 1 week I couldn't keep it in any longer and I told my mom, dad, and sister. Everyone was so excited for us!
Well Wednesday morning, 5 weeks pregnant, I wake up to bleeding. It wasn't really bad, but I had never had bleeding in my pregnancies before. But I thought hey, my body is doing weird things with pregnancy now days so maybe this is just normal. I continued to bleed on Thursday so I called the doctor. He wanted to see me so that he could do some blood work. I continued bleeding through Friday night. But it wasn't bad at all with very minimal cramping. I had read several positive stories about bleeding in early pregnancy and so was beginning to have some positive outlook. When I got up Saturday morning the bleeding was gone! I was so relieved. I really thought this could work out for the better and it was just a fluke thing. I went in Saturday afternoon for my 2nd blood draw.
My doctor was on call all weekend and so was very very busy. He finally called me back late Saturday night to tell me my hormone levels had dropped from Thursday to Saturday. I had indeed had a miscarriage. I finally said it. That terrible mean M word.
I know that it was super early in the pregnancy when I lost it. For that I am grateful. I could not go through another delivery and loss like I did in November. But I am so sad. I am so mad. Why can't my body just do what its supposed to do? How is it I have 2 perfectly normal pregnancies (which I am ever so thankful) and now lose 2 in a row? I know that the Lord has a plan for me. The past few months I do not like this plan at all. It is rough. So the past few days I have had a pity party, crying and being upset. I can ask why??? But I will never know the answer. It could have been too soon, my body maybe wasn't ready??? Who knows??? So I am going to try with all my might to wait and give my body and spirit time to heal. It will happen again I am just not sure when.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
.jpg)
7 comments:
I am so sorry to hear about another loss for you. While I never went through the loss like you did with your first baby I did go through the loss of a miscarriage early in pregnancy. I'm sure you first loss made the 2nd so much harder to bear just remember our heavenly father knows you and loves you and knows what you are capable of. You will be a stronger women because of this and you are a great mom!
I'm so sorry! I can only imagine what you're going through. I had a miscarriage before my current pregnancy, and remember being kind of shocked at the feelings of anger towards my body -- like, 'this is what I'm designed to do, and my body just rejected the pregnancy, what's up with that?!' And I'm sure with what you've been through in the last several months the feelings of that (or whatever similar, but different feelings that come with miscarriages for different women) were just magnified.
Allow yourself to grieve -- however feels right to you is the right way to grieve -- there is no wrong way. Don't try and rush the sadness, don't try and tell yourself it should hurt or feel different than it does . . . just let yourself feel what you need to, and turn it over to God however works best for you. Being angry, even sometimes at God, isn't a bad thing. Nobody loves you more than your Heavenly Father, and there's nothing you can say, rant, or angrily call out in your deepest, darkest moments will change that. My sister in law who lost her baby at 16 weeks pregnant said she had some pretty frank (i.e. angry) discussions with God right afterwards, and she'd almost start to feel bad that she was taking it out on Him, but she also said there had never been so sure He was listening as when she was grieving like she was. And when it was all said and done, she felt a closer and stronger relationship and love with Him than ever before. You guys are in our prayers!
Ok Meagan I really just want to swear right now! I won't though. I am so sorry. I prayed so hard for you all through the weekend. I'm going to give you another way to look at things. The perinatologist warned me of a possible chemical pregnancy when I decided to try again. She told me that my body may take all the hormones and make itself raise levels again without actually being pregnant. With the ultrasound you had, that may be possible..... I know either way it doesn't help because you had started to get your hopes up and dream about that rainbow baby. You know I don't think you did anything wrong. Trying right away or waiting a year is not going to change the plan God has for you. I promise it will happen! I just say don't do anything to prevent but don't "try" either and when the Lord feels like it is your time he will bless you with a sweet blessing.
I am pretty sure we are coming down this weekend. I want to come by and see you. We can have a good cry together. I will give you a call probably Saturday. Take care of yourself and know that everything is going to be ok. I love you!!!
Dang it Megan, I am SO sorry! I can't even imagine how hard all this has been on you and your sweet little family. Heavenly Father loves you and has a plan for you, but that doesn't make all this easier. I'll jkeep thinking of you and praying for your little family!
Oh Megan, I'm not even sure words can express what I feel for you and the hard times you are experiencing.
We are here for you anytime, I'm always just a phone call, text or drive away.
Love you!
I am so sorry! I can't even imagine. I truely believe that eerything happens for a reason. Sometimes you wonder what those reasons could be and why this has to happen to you two times in a row. Like you said, the Lord has a plan for you, and this was not a part of your plan. You are such a strong person and a great inspiration to me and I am sure many others out there. Hang in there...I promise it will get better!
I think that the very best thing that you can do is put your feelings out there. Like I said you are such an inspiration to me. Those lessons in life that I put on my blog page...They are all so true and yes they were meant for all that reads them. After getting on here and reading your blog it all makes sense why you left that comment.
Hang in there and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Love You!
I dont even know what to say! My heart goes out to you. I can in a way imagine what you are going through. I just cant believe we both miscarried the same week twice. Whats in the water. Well we are praying for you. It will happen for both of us i just know it!
Post a Comment