As my little man's due date approaches I find myself so emotional. I have gone through a million emotions these past 4 months. I have been doing fairly well considering I used to spend my whole shower just sobbing every night. But now all of these emotions are coming back full force. His due date is only 3 1/2 weeks away. I am absolutely dreading it! How am I going to deal? Its hard enough knowing that I should be 36 weeks pregnant right now. I am so stinkin mad!
I hate that I was not able to carry this precious little boy full term. I hate that I will never know who he looked like or what kind of personality he was to have. I hate that my children will never know their little brother. I hate that Tyson and I will never be able to hug and comfort this little boy. I hate that I have to refer to him as my little angel. I hate that I will never again enjoy a carefree pregnancy. I hate that I will worry about my pregnancy from the moment I see the positive sign. I hate that I dread seeing pregnant women and new babies. I hate that I feel so robbed and so heartbroken. I just plain hate everything that has come with this.
Sorry that this post was so negative. It feels good to get this out! I am so thankful for the kids I have and for my wonderful husband. I know that through them and the help of the Lord I will make it through his due date. I know that eventually things are going to look up and these emotions that are flooding back right now will recede. I KNOW I have to feel better eventually right?!
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About Me
- Megan
- Tyson and I have been married for 13 wonderful years. We are the proud parents to a daughter, Macie, who is 9,a son Connor who is 7, Mckenna who is 3, and our newest addition Callie who just turned 1. We also have a son waiting for us in Heaven.
4 comments:
Oh meg, I am so sorry. I am glad you were able to vent though it helps and your feelings are normal. Just make sure to realize that you will one day know what he looks like and be able to hold him and comfort him. It's just too bad that just because we know these things it doesn't make the pain any easier. If you need anything let me know.
I think anniversaries and dates like that are always the hardest. My Mom, who lost a baby to SIDS at three weeks old, said that she was shocked when the one year birthday/anniversary dates came around the depth and anger that came with her emotions. Just know that what you're feeling is normal, everyone gets angry and hurt and upset and confused when they've experienced something like you have, and I hope you have lots of people you can just talk to and unload on, 'cause sometimes we all need that. You'll be in our prayers!
Oh, and I know it's not the same as being raised with their little brother, but your kids can still have a very special relationship with their brother . . . my sister died when I was four, so I kinda remember her, but most of my siblings came after she did anyway. And yet all of us proudly count our sister April among our siblings, and in fact, she has been an amazing example to each of us. I think we all try to be a bit better, and live a bit better, because we all look up to her and how special she is, and we want to make her proud. Anyway, hope that helps and isn't just empty platitude sounding; it's just that my sister holds a very special, albeit unique, position in our family. I'm sure that doesn't take away any of my Mom's feelings of longing for her baby, but as her siblings, it has always meant a lot to us to have her in our family!
Megan, it is good to vent and get your feelings out. I know that you are a strong person and you will make it through this. I think that you have every right to be mad and upset. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Megan it's ok to vent and feel the way you do. It has helped me so much to have started my other blog for the venting and writing about Juanito. You might think about doing the same. I am so sorry you have to go through this it is not fair. Nobody should have to feel this kind of pain. I really do want to get with you and talk. I have the next 2 weeks off from work. Maybe I can sneak down one day and we can go get a drink at Cluffs or Carls JR. I have some special gifts for you that were sent to me by other BL moms. I really hope that they help to bring some comfort to you during these hard days. Just know you are not alone and any time day or night I will listen and cry with you. Stay strong!!!
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