***SaNtA Claus CaMe to ToWn***

We had a wonderful Christmas this year. We went to the annual Christmas eve party at the church in Meadow. Then we went up to my mom and dads and ate dinner and exchanged gifts. On Christmas day we went to my mom and dads for lunch. I think the kids loved everything they got. Santa was very good to them.

My new dining set I got early. I love it!!
At the Christmas eve program Macie was a present.

Cutest dancing present ever!!

Macie and Santa

Me and Connor with Santa. He wanted nothing to do with him!

Opening new pjs on Christmas eve

Anna wants to help!

All the wild fun at my mom and dads!

Very happy with his new BIG firetruck!

Collecting their loot!

All Connor asked for was a motorcycle...and he got it!

Macie's new CD player

Macie's new baby

The look on Connor's face when he opened this motorized 4-wheeler was priceless! He was so excited! Loved it!!

Macie with her new DS

Cruising along!!

~Missin My Angel~

I am missing my Angel. I have felt like I am getting better. I can actually go a few hours without thinking about the baby!

I HATE Mondays. Mondays are the day my week turned over...so I think hmm I should be 23 weeks today:(

I think that I am healing. Tears are no longer a major part of the day. Some times I can even go 1 whole day with no tears!! But I can make up for that easily in a few minutes of some days. I can feel the Lord with me. He has definitely been holding me the past 4 weeks.

I had this Christmas Tree Ornament made. It has our Angel Baby Boy's birth date on it. He is our angel on top of the Christmas tree. This is such a comfort to look at.

This has been the biggest struggle of my entire life. A part of me can feel peace because I know that he must have been one of Heavenly Father's choicest spirits. But a part of me also feels that it is so unfair. Why me???? Why now????

I found a sweet poem that makes me cry, but also gives me some comfort. I would like to share it.

My First Christmas In Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below

With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away your tear

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear

But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring

For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.

I see how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart.

But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones , you know I hold you dear.

And be glad I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift from my Heavenly home above.

I send you each a memory of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.

Whats always most important are the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do.

I can't count the blessings or love he has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.

Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Dewolf Family Party

On Saturday we went to Sandy and had the Dewolf family Christmas party. Everybody brought a lot of good food and desserts to eat. The kids had a great time playing together. Macie and Connor love to play with their "big" cousins. Grandpa and Grandma Dewolf gave all the kids their gifts. Macie and Connor both got play doh and some new clothes. They were so excited. My amazing sis in law Amanda made a great "tear-jerker" dvd for Dirk and Dixie. It was a dvd full of pics of their kids when they were little up until now with spouses and children. It was so wonderful and so special. Good job Amanda! We had such a great time getting together with family.

New Pics

I needed to post something happy and positive....or everyone will think I am the most depressed person in the world! I have two beautiful children that I can happily show off. Macie's school picture turned out pretty cute this year. Connor is usually a boob when it comes to pictures but I took him to the school and it turned out pretty good. He didn't even attempt to cry so I was pretty happy!

Empty...

I feel empty. I am trying to cope with the fact that I was nearly half way done with my pregnancy and now I don't have anything tangible to show for it. I know that I have a sweet angel baby waiting for me in Heaven, but my arms ache....
I bought this willow tree statue called Angels Embrace. I put it on my shelf just below the pictures of my baby's in their blessing clothes. I don't ever want this little boy to be forgotten. I want him to know that he is always apart of this family and that he is always loved.
I am so thankful to have the gospel in my life. If I didn't know that there was so much more to life after this I don't know that I could go on. It's such a comfort to know that my angel is being taken care of by family members who have already crossed the veil.
Slowly I think I am healing. I still have days of tears. Poor Tyson.....he has been so good to me. There are days he comes home from a hard day at work and I just cry uncontrollably. He just takes me and holds me and lets me cry until I can't cry anymore. I am so thankful for such a wonderful husband. He has grieved with me and listened to me through all of this. I love him so much and if there is a silver lining in all of this its that Tyson and I have truly grown closer to each other. So Ty, Thank you.
I love you my angel baby and you are always in my heart.

Broken....

Right now I feel broken. For those of you who aren't aware we lost our baby a few days ago. On Friday I went in for my 18 week 4 day appointment with the doctor. He did his small in office ultrasound and couldn't find a heartbeat. Thinking that his machine just isn't top notch he then tried the Doppler. Still no heartbeat. Right then my world completely fell apart. I felt like I was in a dream. He scheduled us for a better ultrasound over at the hospital a few hours later. Can I just say those were the longest 3 hours of my life. Before we went Tyson gave me a beautiful blessing that gave me comfort. We went in and had the ultrasound and our fears were truly confirmed....no heartbeat. The baby measured about 14 1/2 weeks with no obvious problems that he could see. He thinks maybe the baby just stopped growing. So the next thing I know we are discussing scheduling a D&C for the next week unless of course I had symptoms of impending delivery. Up to this point my pregnancy had been just like the last two. No signs of problems or miscarriage. All I could think was this doesn't happen to me. I am dreaming, this ISN'T happening to me.

On Saturday Ty had to work and so I went up to my mom and dads so that I wasn't alone. That afternoon I went to the bathroom and was bleeding. The doctor called me and said that he had heard from the perinatologist and she would see me Monday in Provo. He said that she would have another ultrasound done and then they would probably just induce my labor. But he also said that since I was starting to bleed that I could just come up to the hospital in Fillmore and he could induce me. At this point still carrying the baby I just wanted to get it over with and not have to wait 2 or 3 more days. We decided to go in Saturday night and be induced. Before we went up my dad and Tyson gave me a beautiful and comforting blessing that I know was a great strength for me during all of this.

When we got to the hospital he told us that typically it takes 18-24 hours for the little pill to get the cervix going and to be ready to deliver, but that I probably wouldn't need to dilate all the way. The first pill was given to me at 8:30 and then again at 12:30. When the doctor came in and checked me at 6:00am Sunday morning he said I was at a 5 and he could feel the baby so I would be able to deliver. I am not going to go over details of this because it is near and dear to Ty and I heart and we want to keep it with us. But at around 7am I delivered a beautiful baby boy. My little Angel baby was absolutely perfect.....too perfect to stay here on the earth.

I want to thank everyone for there love and support. I have truly felt your prayers and have appreciated the calls, notes, flowers, dinners, and encouraging words I have received. This has been the most difficult time in my entire life. I am so thankful to have the gospel in my life. It is such a comfort to know that one day I will be reunited with my angel baby and I will be able to hold him and love him like a mommy should.