Honoring My Angel

The little blankets

The finished products

After I delivered our Angel son I came home and had lots of time to reflect and think about what would have made my experience "better." I walked out of the hospital with absolutely nothing. All I have are the memories of my angel in my womb and the 15 or so minutes that we spent memorizing him. I decided that no other mother should ever ever have to leave the hospital with nothing at all. This is how I decided to start this little project to donate to the Fillmore Hospital in honor of my little angel.

Instead of working on newborn blankets the past few months I have been making blankets that are a little larger than a washcloth. I have also included a great poem and a little note from me. I don't in anyway want to make the mothers experience about me so I just put my baby's initials and birthdate on the card. I feel like this is the best way I can honor him and also help other mothers to have something to take home.

The card I wrote just says:

I hope that this little blanket and poem can bring you some comfort and peace during this difficult time in your life. Love Always, The mommy of an angel. BBD 11-22-09

The Poem is a tear jerker but I love it!

What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes And prayed to God today, I asked, "What makes a Mother?" And I know I heard him say: A Mother has a baby,This we know is true But, God, can you be a mother When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, he replied With confidence in his voice,I give many women babies, When they leave it is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, And others for the day, And some I send to feel your womb, But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath, and cleared his throat, And then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you, What your child is doing Here...
If you could see your child smile With other children and say, "We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear, but My mommy loved me so much I got to come straight here!" I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me, I learned my lessons very quickly, My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much But I visit her each day. When she goes to sleep, On her pillow is where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, And whisper in her ear,"Mommy, Please don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I am here"
So you see my dear sweet one, Your children are okay. Your babies are here in My home, And this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with Me, Until your lessons there are through, And on the day that you come home, they'll be at the gates waiting for you
So now you see What makes a Mother, It's the feeling in your heart, It's the love you had so much of Right from the very start.
Author Unknown

I am very excited to present these to the hospital and perhaps give myself some closure to that part of my grief. I am so glad that I was able to complete these before his due date (that was my goal.) I love you little Angel.

Emotions

As my little man's due date approaches I find myself so emotional. I have gone through a million emotions these past 4 months. I have been doing fairly well considering I used to spend my whole shower just sobbing every night. But now all of these emotions are coming back full force. His due date is only 3 1/2 weeks away. I am absolutely dreading it! How am I going to deal? Its hard enough knowing that I should be 36 weeks pregnant right now. I am so stinkin mad!

I hate that I was not able to carry this precious little boy full term. I hate that I will never know who he looked like or what kind of personality he was to have. I hate that my children will never know their little brother. I hate that Tyson and I will never be able to hug and comfort this little boy. I hate that I have to refer to him as my little angel. I hate that I will never again enjoy a carefree pregnancy. I hate that I will worry about my pregnancy from the moment I see the positive sign. I hate that I dread seeing pregnant women and new babies. I hate that I feel so robbed and so heartbroken. I just plain hate everything that has come with this.

Sorry that this post was so negative. It feels good to get this out! I am so thankful for the kids I have and for my wonderful husband. I know that through them and the help of the Lord I will make it through his due date. I know that eventually things are going to look up and these emotions that are flooding back right now will recede. I KNOW I have to feel better eventually right?!

DinneR SerenadE

During dinner the other night Macie decided that she should serenade us with a song she learned at school. So this is what we heard the last half of dinner. Didn't want you to miss out so here it is!!! Sorry you will have to pause my playlist to hear her sing!

~Disney On Ice~

On Sunday we took the kids to Disney on Ice. Macie was super excited, but Connor wasn't sure until the show started. This particular show was so perfect for my kids. Connor LOVES the movie Cars. He was so excited to see Mater and Lightning McQueen. For him this part of the show was his favorite and it didn't last long enough. He kept asking when they were coming back. Then we watched The Little Mermaid. Macie loved it! We also saw the Lion King. And last was TinkerBell, which Macie loved as well. We had such a great time just being together as a family and enjoying each other. It was so fun to watch the kids watch the show. They were so intrigued! We had a great time.

Here we go again

So here we go again.....

I am so frustrated. I am not posting this for pity or to make everyone feel bad for me. I am posting this because I need to get it out and talk about it and write it down. I think it helps me heal. I found out on Feb. 9th that I was pregnant!!! Yay I was so excited but in such disbelief. When I found out I was only 3weeks 6days preggo....super early! I told Shelby because she lives in San Diego and I knew she would keep my secret (and I was about to burst!). Well I got really creative and told Tyson in a cute way, instead of just leaving the test on the bathroom counter for him to find. He was pleasantly surprised and excited. After I had known for 1 week I couldn't keep it in any longer and I told my mom, dad, and sister. Everyone was so excited for us!

Well Wednesday morning, 5 weeks pregnant, I wake up to bleeding. It wasn't really bad, but I had never had bleeding in my pregnancies before. But I thought hey, my body is doing weird things with pregnancy now days so maybe this is just normal. I continued to bleed on Thursday so I called the doctor. He wanted to see me so that he could do some blood work. I continued bleeding through Friday night. But it wasn't bad at all with very minimal cramping. I had read several positive stories about bleeding in early pregnancy and so was beginning to have some positive outlook. When I got up Saturday morning the bleeding was gone! I was so relieved. I really thought this could work out for the better and it was just a fluke thing. I went in Saturday afternoon for my 2nd blood draw.

My doctor was on call all weekend and so was very very busy. He finally called me back late Saturday night to tell me my hormone levels had dropped from Thursday to Saturday. I had indeed had a miscarriage. I finally said it. That terrible mean M word.

I know that it was super early in the pregnancy when I lost it. For that I am grateful. I could not go through another delivery and loss like I did in November. But I am so sad. I am so mad. Why can't my body just do what its supposed to do? How is it I have 2 perfectly normal pregnancies (which I am ever so thankful) and now lose 2 in a row? I know that the Lord has a plan for me. The past few months I do not like this plan at all. It is rough. So the past few days I have had a pity party, crying and being upset. I can ask why??? But I will never know the answer. It could have been too soon, my body maybe wasn't ready??? Who knows??? So I am going to try with all my might to wait and give my body and spirit time to heal. It will happen again I am just not sure when.

!! bOoTs !!

Connor loves boots! This was his first pair of boots. He has had them for over a year. Tyson has re glued the soles several times. This is practically the only pair of shoes that this child ever puts on. He loves loves loves his boots! I bet he has traveled 1000 miles in these boots. As you can see on the bottom there is absolutely no tread left at all! There is practically no padding in the inside. I know they are getting to small and cannot be comfortable at all but he still wears them. Well as a birthday gift from my parents they bought him a new pair of boots. They are very similar to these but have lights in the soles! So I think that I am finally able to retire these and the little man won't notice now that he has a new pair!

Remembering my Angel

My Cousin Michelle told me about this wonderful website. This lady lost an angel also and she will make these wonderful collages for free for anyone who wants one! I am so happy with the way ours turned out. I feel it is a great tribute to my little Angel. I love you little one:)