Emotions

As my little man's due date approaches I find myself so emotional. I have gone through a million emotions these past 4 months. I have been doing fairly well considering I used to spend my whole shower just sobbing every night. But now all of these emotions are coming back full force. His due date is only 3 1/2 weeks away. I am absolutely dreading it! How am I going to deal? Its hard enough knowing that I should be 36 weeks pregnant right now. I am so stinkin mad!

I hate that I was not able to carry this precious little boy full term. I hate that I will never know who he looked like or what kind of personality he was to have. I hate that my children will never know their little brother. I hate that Tyson and I will never be able to hug and comfort this little boy. I hate that I have to refer to him as my little angel. I hate that I will never again enjoy a carefree pregnancy. I hate that I will worry about my pregnancy from the moment I see the positive sign. I hate that I dread seeing pregnant women and new babies. I hate that I feel so robbed and so heartbroken. I just plain hate everything that has come with this.

Sorry that this post was so negative. It feels good to get this out! I am so thankful for the kids I have and for my wonderful husband. I know that through them and the help of the Lord I will make it through his due date. I know that eventually things are going to look up and these emotions that are flooding back right now will recede. I KNOW I have to feel better eventually right?!

DinneR SerenadE

During dinner the other night Macie decided that she should serenade us with a song she learned at school. So this is what we heard the last half of dinner. Didn't want you to miss out so here it is!!! Sorry you will have to pause my playlist to hear her sing!

~Disney On Ice~

On Sunday we took the kids to Disney on Ice. Macie was super excited, but Connor wasn't sure until the show started. This particular show was so perfect for my kids. Connor LOVES the movie Cars. He was so excited to see Mater and Lightning McQueen. For him this part of the show was his favorite and it didn't last long enough. He kept asking when they were coming back. Then we watched The Little Mermaid. Macie loved it! We also saw the Lion King. And last was TinkerBell, which Macie loved as well. We had such a great time just being together as a family and enjoying each other. It was so fun to watch the kids watch the show. They were so intrigued! We had a great time.

Here we go again

So here we go again.....

I am so frustrated. I am not posting this for pity or to make everyone feel bad for me. I am posting this because I need to get it out and talk about it and write it down. I think it helps me heal. I found out on Feb. 9th that I was pregnant!!! Yay I was so excited but in such disbelief. When I found out I was only 3weeks 6days preggo....super early! I told Shelby because she lives in San Diego and I knew she would keep my secret (and I was about to burst!). Well I got really creative and told Tyson in a cute way, instead of just leaving the test on the bathroom counter for him to find. He was pleasantly surprised and excited. After I had known for 1 week I couldn't keep it in any longer and I told my mom, dad, and sister. Everyone was so excited for us!

Well Wednesday morning, 5 weeks pregnant, I wake up to bleeding. It wasn't really bad, but I had never had bleeding in my pregnancies before. But I thought hey, my body is doing weird things with pregnancy now days so maybe this is just normal. I continued to bleed on Thursday so I called the doctor. He wanted to see me so that he could do some blood work. I continued bleeding through Friday night. But it wasn't bad at all with very minimal cramping. I had read several positive stories about bleeding in early pregnancy and so was beginning to have some positive outlook. When I got up Saturday morning the bleeding was gone! I was so relieved. I really thought this could work out for the better and it was just a fluke thing. I went in Saturday afternoon for my 2nd blood draw.

My doctor was on call all weekend and so was very very busy. He finally called me back late Saturday night to tell me my hormone levels had dropped from Thursday to Saturday. I had indeed had a miscarriage. I finally said it. That terrible mean M word.

I know that it was super early in the pregnancy when I lost it. For that I am grateful. I could not go through another delivery and loss like I did in November. But I am so sad. I am so mad. Why can't my body just do what its supposed to do? How is it I have 2 perfectly normal pregnancies (which I am ever so thankful) and now lose 2 in a row? I know that the Lord has a plan for me. The past few months I do not like this plan at all. It is rough. So the past few days I have had a pity party, crying and being upset. I can ask why??? But I will never know the answer. It could have been too soon, my body maybe wasn't ready??? Who knows??? So I am going to try with all my might to wait and give my body and spirit time to heal. It will happen again I am just not sure when.

!! bOoTs !!

Connor loves boots! This was his first pair of boots. He has had them for over a year. Tyson has re glued the soles several times. This is practically the only pair of shoes that this child ever puts on. He loves loves loves his boots! I bet he has traveled 1000 miles in these boots. As you can see on the bottom there is absolutely no tread left at all! There is practically no padding in the inside. I know they are getting to small and cannot be comfortable at all but he still wears them. Well as a birthday gift from my parents they bought him a new pair of boots. They are very similar to these but have lights in the soles! So I think that I am finally able to retire these and the little man won't notice now that he has a new pair!

Remembering my Angel

My Cousin Michelle told me about this wonderful website. This lady lost an angel also and she will make these wonderful collages for free for anyone who wants one! I am so happy with the way ours turned out. I feel it is a great tribute to my little Angel. I love you little one:)

I am so Thankful....

For.....

I feel like with the recent trial in my life, I need to focus on the things that I am so thankful for.

First and foremost I am so thankful to be a daughter of my Heavenly Father. I am so thankful to be apart of this church. I am thankful for the gospel in my life and for the comfort and blessings I receive from it daily.

I am so thankful that I was born to parents who had been sealed in the temple. I love my mom and dad so much. They have done so much for me and they raised me to be the good person I am today. They are fabulous grandparents to my kids (who would move in with them in a heartbeat!!). I am so lucky to have such great parents.

I am so so so thankful for such a wonderful husband. I am so thankful that he upholds his Priesthood and can take me to the temple. He is a fantastic dad. The kids love and adore him so much. He is so good to play with them and help me out with them. He is truly my rock. I am so lucky to have a husband who adores me and tells me often how much he loves me. We have been married nearly 10 years and I am more in love with him now then ever before. He loves me and supports me in everything I do. He was so wonderful through our loss and will still let me talk to him about it and cry on his shoulder. I love him so much and I hope that he knows.

I am so thankful for my kids.
Macie is so smart. She is so eager to learn and picks up on this fairly quickly. She is such a beautiful little girl and I am so thankful that Heavenly Father gave her to me. She is such a sweet spirit in our home and such a good girl. I love her so much.
Connor is such a little man! He is super smart and so full of spunk. He loves everything boy! He is such a special little spirit in our home. I am so thankful that he was sent to me. I love him so much!
I am so thankful for my little angel baby boy. I am still not fully understanding why it all happened, but I am thankful for him. I am thankful that the Lord let his sweet little spirit touch my life for such a short 19 weeks. He will always be in my heart and I know without a doubt that he will be in my eternal family forever.

I have been through such a dark time in my life, one I never want to face again. But it has helped me so much when I think of all the blessings I do have.